Exhaustion

It’s #thatawkwardmoment when you realize your parents were right… or worse, when you hear yourself sounding just like them. As far back as I can remember, my Dad has always said “You’re doing too much. Sit down. You cant’ be two places at the same time. Slow down. Don’t join a gazillion clubs. Don’t run for president of everything. Prioritize.” He’s warned me that if I continue at the pace I’m going… I’ll be burnt out by 30.

Maybe his projection was generous because these days, I feel like an 80 year old woman trapped inside of a 23 year old’s body. If I continue at the pace I’m going, my body’s telling me I could be burnt out by 25.

When I think about what’s important… It takes days for me to return my family and friends’ calls. I never eat (right). I never sleep (well or long). I never workout (consistently). I seldom make it to church. And that’s the list in no particular order… family, friends, my health, my faith. If these aren’t going well… not much else matters. Stress-induced physical health problems are real, and to top it off, it runs in my family. I’ve seen the ramifications of stress on a person, a body, a mind. Stress has to be dealt with. Given that I’m a problem-solution oriented thinker… I’ve clearly been problem solving.

I’ve thought about going to “talk to somebody.” We, as Americans, already struggle with taking care of our mental health, and Black Americans seeing a shrink?!… hmph. Yea right. So since I have access to free mental health services, I was like… why not? I hear you’re supposed to go once a year like a physical anyway. But then the problem became, when? Every single day, I literally have an obligation after another obligation. Ok, plan B… But family’s too far and distantly supportive to really understand plus, I don’t want to worry them. Plan C: But then the friends you don’t want to bother all have their own lives and woes, and still other friends expect you to be superwoman. Honestly, I’ve know all along that all I really need is some time. To sleep. Rest. Relax. Center myself. You know… Eat. Pray. And love.

Honestly, before I even sat down to write this, I felt like I had SO MUCH to say. About how we’ve got to take better care of ourselves… mind, body, and soul. Do better. Understand that going hard doesn’t mean going to the hospital, etc. But even with these few short sentences, I find myself doing it again: The “get over it” speech that my mind gives my body without my permission. I realize I’m no anomaly. Everybody gets tired. Everybody goes hard. And as usual, my “get over it” mantra prevails. I’m not saying it’s right… but what are the alternatives? When I think of “solutions,” and what I could possibly do, there is no other option but to keep going.

My conclusions… Get over it. Do better. And venting helps. (even if it’s to the computer screen).

Plus, the hard work is often worth it if you love what you do. Shout out to teachers everywhere.

Every Song Has a Story

Here’s the one that occupied my morning…

I went to sleep and woke up super early this morning feeling very mediocre. The acknowledgement and understanding that things could always be much worse lends itself to the notion that you’re not feeling terrible per se, but at the same time, you know that you’re DEFINITELY not feeling good.

Fastfowarding infinite thoughts and several hours later, I found myself thinking about getting better. Just pulling myself up by the bootstraps and practice the KIM model as a good friend of mine would say… Keep It Moving! lol I decided, as I always do, that music should be a part of this process and I began to think about what I wanted to listen to. As I thought about my happiest days and what I was doing there, I fondly remembered South Africa. Those were without a shadow of a doubt my happiest days. When I was there, I fell in love with God and served the community and every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month felt right. I can’t describe it, so I’ll save myself the characters, but one song that I remember listening to over and over during those 6 months was Brooke Fraser’s “Albertine.” I was introduced to it one day in Cape Town when one of my American roommates and I were sitting by the pool. She started playing her guitar and singing and goes “do you know this song?” Almost seconds after I’d said “no,” she had left and come back with her iPod and I was listening to it.

There’s no way I could track my thought-process acutely enough to put it into paragraphy words that make sense to anyone but me… so I’ve chosen to take the “stream-of-consciousness-list” option. My personal writing invention that allows me to “get it out” in kind of a paragraphy format but not be held accountable if it doesn’t flow or some of my readers don’t actually understand it, lol. Not everyone understands stream-of-consciousness yet lists are easier to dissect than a paragraph. So there, an opportunity for everyone, lol. I digress…

My list of reasons for loving Brooke Fraser’s “Albertine”:

1. If we start with the artist, I love Brooke. She’s one of the lead singers in a Christian band named Hillsong. Hillsong is special to me. Before I moved to South Africa I had never heard of ANY Christian bands and wasn’t even remotely interested in the genre. But the girls I was hanging out with in South Africa were HUUUUUUUGE Hillsong fans and listened to them allllllllllllll the time. What’s even more interesting is as I learned more about Hillsong, and how they were so much more than a band, I started to love them too, lol. And here’s the real kicker, Hillsong is a really huge international church that started in Australia and they had just opened their newest church only 1 month prior to us studying abroad right there in Cape Town! That meant the world to my new friends and of course, we went! We went every Sunday, worship nights, conferences, and every event we could find cab money for. Church was FUN! Needless to say, the band, the church, the music… it all brings back the absolute BEST of memories. Table Mountain climbs, tutoring in the townships, University of Capetown, whitewater rafting down the Zambezi, Long Steet, tours through Kruger, Victoria Falls, needing money, riding the mini buses, being spoken to in Afrikaans, missing my family, and what I had to do to get through it all. So the fact that Brooke is a member of this band is… idk. It just makes me smile .

2. The song. From what I understand it’s about how one time, the band was away on tour trip in Rwanda. There, they visited an orphanage and Brooke fell in love with a little girl named Albertine. After learning more about the child and all that she had endured as a result of the genocide from 1994, she made a commitment to the girl and herself to tell everyone her story. She sings “Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead.” Because Brooke is one of the lead singers of Hillsong, you can’t help but come across her and her solo music as you fall in love with the band. And I identified on so many levels. There I was, on another continent, trying to figure out my life, but absolutely falling in love with the work I was doing in the townships. I’d become enamored by so many of my students there that they changed me. Having met them, seen where they live, taught them, and known their struggle, I too felt like I had made a commitment to do better upon my return to the States. I had been given a responsibility to go back and tell people what I’d learned. Through my experiences abroad, I chose my passions… people in poverty, children, education, and community building. So hearing Albertine, about a woman’s experience in Africa, while I was in Africa, about keeping your word to be responsible for injustices everywhere, all linked to inspiration from a child, as my students inspired me… sigh. It just fit. lol

3. In James 2:26, the Bible says “As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.” I’ve always loved that verse. Knowing that’s where Brooke got some of her message meant a lot to me.

4. I love how much this song still applies to my life. Here I am, 3 years after South Africa still trying to keep my word. “Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead.” I really believe that. I’ve been blessed to be able to travel the world and experience things some people only dream of. To whom much is given, much is expected. Having been to 4 out of 7 continents can make a person feel so “lucky” that they forget how all this came to be. That’s why every time I travel, I always have two unspoken mandates. I MUST visit a church and a community wherever we are. I try for every country but every continent works too, lol. I have no choice but to go back and serve. Do you know how narrow these windows of opportunities were for me?! I made it on each trip and back on a wing and a prayer. (More like a fundraiser spaghetti dinner, donations from the NAACP, friends and family support, and “ARE YOU CRAZY”s from Mom and Dad). Anyway, I’m so blessed to have traveled and seen so much of the world, but now that I have seen, I am responsible… for sharing it, telling people about it, and improving it. That starts here in my own community, so I teach, a career I in love with in South Africa. I just kinda like that I’m trying to do my part in the world and this song makes me feel good about it.

Have a listen and read along with the lyrics if you’re interested:

Albertine

I am sitting still
I think of Angelique
her mothers voice over me
And the bullets in the wall where it fell silent
And on a thousandth hill, I think of Albertine
there in her eyes what I don’t see with my own
rwanda

[CHORUS]
now that I have seen, I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I am on a plane across a distant sea
But I carry you in me
and the dust on, the dust on, the dust on my feet
Rwanda

[CHORUS]

[BRIGDE]
I will tell the world, I will tell them where I’ve been
I will keep my word
I will tell them Albertine

[CHORUS]

I am on a stage, a thousand eyes on me
I will tell them, Albertine
I will tell them, Albertine

Growing Pains

My foundation is so solid. I have the best family in the world and the best friends on Earth. They ground me. I love the way that every single person in my life is so purposeful and well-intended. It’s almost like I see them as God’s puppets. He’s Heaven’s puppeteer and they’re down here acting out “Life” by my side… like my own personal angels. Every single person I love. One such co-star has been my best friend since we were 11.

We were talking the other day and for the life of us, we just CANNOT understand our lives. It bewilders us so much, that all we can do is laugh hysterically. We laughed at the way that everything we planned to happen hasn’t, everything we thought we’d do, we didn’t, and the people we thought we’d become are completely different than who we are today. It’s hilarious. In case you’ve ever wondered, that’s where the title of this blog comes from. “Sometimes we plan, and God laughs.” It’s like He has to slap you around a little bit to get your attention and then yells, “SIT DOWN AND SHUTUP! I GOT THIS!” In a much more polite and Godly way, of course. But so much is out of our control. In fact, sometimes it feels like nothing is in your control. And recognizing that’s true is even tougher. As we’ve grown up together, we constantly have to remind ourselves that the only things within our control, are ourselves. And depending on your spiritual beliefs, even that’s up for debate.

Nonetheless, growing up sucks. Throughout our lives we endure death, life, transitions, decisions, victories, responsibilities you thought you were ready for, responsibilities that arise whether you’re ready or not, obstacles that end, ones you think never will, and relationships that shape and mold everything about us. At the end of the day, the only thing constant in any of that stuff is YOU. You’re the common thread that ties all those things together, the only thing that each of those things share. As the common thread, you’re forced to consider your role. How did the way you reacted to any, or one, of the aforementioned shape the outcome? Since all we can control is ourselves, we’ve got to learn how to. Our lives are shaped by our reactions. The way we react to people, situations, challenges, and success is in-part a reflection, if not an all-encompassing direct reflection, of our character.

Colleagues make work miserable. Bills are due. School is hard. Family is stressful. Money is tight. And your health has seen better days. You have little control over all that stuff, but what you can control is your reaction. Choose to pray, meditate, set goals, and problem-solve. Or choose to party, smoke, drink, and take part in some recreational stress relief . But understand that each choice has consequences and running does nothing. One thing you learn growing up is that problems don’t disappear because you’ve ignored them. And you only realize that after old problems have come back to haunt you with a vengeance one time too many. As you start to learn to tackle your problems head on, learn to tackle them with the right reactions. After all, that’s all we actually have control over… kinda.

Wish I could say more…

I can’t write much, but just in case anyone checked here, I wanted you to have at least SOME kind of update… no matter how small. lol

So, VERY quickly
- I’m still in Cambridge but I leave for London in a few hours where we’ll meet up with Liv. From there, we’ll fly to Barcelona. (then Pisa, Rome, Tuscany, Paris, and Amsterdam).
- Cambridge was awesome and I am SO proud of Ramone
- Cambridge has 14 black men. I counted.
- I wish you were here!
- You probably won’t get another one of these posts. but hey, who knows?! I’m full of surprises and if a little internet cafe comes into my view, I may just have to oblige.

Love you all. Yes, everybody!!!

Muah!

Identity Web

I found this assignment very enlightening. Literally, the professor said “Start at birth. Write about every aspect of your identity, and tie it to how its reflected inside of your classroom.”

We had to include everything (within the page limit of course… don’t you hate when that happens?) lol. Religion, relationships, gender roles, values, goals, philosophies, etc. I feel vulnerable, but I’m sharing because I value introspection, reflection, and self-analysis. This was a healthy and maybe you can give it a try too!

It’s hard to write about yourself, but consider this… how is who you are tied to what you’re doing? The connection, or lack thereof, may surprise you. And then, let that motivate you to better yourself OR whatever you’re doing.

You can find mine by clicking the link below.

Click here for my Identity Web

and who doesn’t just loooove feedback or comments?

Solitude and Leadership

Hey guys! Check out this article, it’s a little lengthy but a good read…. definitely inspires some introspection!

Solitude and Leadership

Song of the…

“Sometimes” by Bilal

An ode to The Individual:

I love, respect, and honor, the individual.

:

… comfortable in his own skin. Looking toward no one for reassurance of excellence and only strives toward, but is okay with never reaching, perfection… And in acknowledging that, only emulates Jesus. One who measures her success by the standards of her soul and not the standards of society, except where her soul and society intertwine and spoon like s’s. or lovers. lauding herself when they seldom do. And whose soulful standards are guided by people… loving, not judging, every single one. One whose sustenance depends on the sustenance of his community, domestic and foreign… regardless of race, religion, sex, gender, creed, age, culture, and every ignorant -ism under the sun… Who understands the difference, and importance in acknowledging the distinction between, each of the aforementioned. Who finds himself inspired by, but not influenced to impersonate, other Individuals. An open-book. About character and values… with a limited edition sequel of mysteriousness and secrets. Reserved for his friends, lovers, and loved. Whose written attributes cannot be confined to grammatical rules. Such as a colon’s introduction or a period’s finality, appreciating intermittently misused ellipses and commas… and the continuum that they infer. Who teaches by learning and leads by following… flip-flopping the order as necessary. Who praises others more than she does herself, and in doing so, unbeknownst, is praised more than others. Quietly. Appreciating it all. Silently. Whose actions liplock his words, or don’t claim to if they don’t. Whose degree or lackthereof does not define their wisdom. Or their confidence in sharing it. One who is driven to service without the foresight of honors and accolades, but with the forseen hindsight of changed spirits and lives. Who realizes that talk is cheap, silence is golden, and a symbiotic relationship between the two is priceless. Whose pride radiates from her humility. Which makes her proud. And humble. Whose mistakes are never repeated. Exactly the same. Unless he wants. Whose confidence is captivating. And whose vices are choices not forces. Of peers, nature, or addiction, but pleasure and joy. Who does no thing for any one. And whose everything is for someone. Male and/or female. Who just Is. And just likes to. Be.

an Individual.

“Without Sanctuary”

This is “enlightening,” for lack of a better word.

http://withoutsanctuary.org/

Why did You make me black?

Too many people have never heard or read this poem… “Lord, why did you make me black?”

Lord, Lord, Why did You make me Black? Why did You make someone The world wants to hold back? Black is the color of dirty clothes; The color of grimy hands and feet. Black is the color of darkness; The color of tire-beaten streets. Why did You give me thick lips, A broad nose and kinky hair? Why did You make me someone Who receives the hatred stare? Black is the color of the bruised eye When someone gets hurt. Black is the color of darkness, Black is the color of dirt. How come my bone structure’s so thick; My hips and cheeks are high? How come my eyes are brown And not the color of the daylight sky? Why do people think I’m useless? How come I feel so used? Why do some people see my skin And think I should be abused? Lord, I just don’t understand. What is it about my skin? Why do some people want to hate me And not know the person within? Black is what people are “listed”, When others want to keep them away. Black is the color of shadows cast. Black is the end of the day. Lord, You know, my own people mistreat me And I know this just isn’t right. They don’t like my hair or the way I look. They say I’m too dark or too light. Lord, don’t You think it’s time For You to make a change? Why don’t You re-do creation And make everyone the same? GOD ANSWERED Why did I make you Black? Why did I make you Black? Get off your knees and look around. Tell Me, what do you see? I didn’t make you in the image of darkness, I made you in the Likeness of ME! I made you the color of coal From which beautiful diamonds are formed. I made you the color of oil, The Black Gold that keeps people warm. I made you from the rich, dark earth That can grow the food you need. Your color’s the same as the panther’s Known for (HER) beauty and speed. Your color’s the same as the Black stallion, A majestic animal is he. I didn’t make you in the Image of darkness. I made you in likeness of ME! All the colors of a Heavenly Rainbow Can be found throughout every nation; And when all of those colors were blended well, YOU BECAME MY GREATEST CREATION. Your hair is the texture of lamb’s wool. Such a humble, little creature is he. I am the Shepherd who watches them. I am the One who will watch over thee. You are the color of midnight sky. I put the stars’ glitter in your eyes. There is a smile hidden behind your pain. That’s why your cheeks are so high. You are the color of dark clouds formed When I send My strongest weather. I made your lips full so when you kiss The one that you love, they will remember. Your stature is strong; your bone structure, thick To withstand the burdens of time. The reflection you see in the mirror… The image that looks back is MINE. by RuNell Ni Ebo Inspired by the book of Genesis 1:26a and 27a&c And God said, Let us make man in Our image, after Our Likeness … So God created man in His own image … male and female created He them.